I’m sharing this with everyone because like many of you I was seeking answers. And everyone deserves to find, them. My journey with cannabis didn’t start recently, it started as a way funny enough to find answers when my mind was betraying me, I had yet to know the reason for it. I was a freshman in college, and my world had been recently turned upside. Yeah, the fact that I moved to a different country and knew no one there all while living on my own for the first time didn’t help but I had also ended a fairy tale, with an abrupt ending. I was searching for a happily ever after with my father, that sadly for more than one reasons, was never going to happen. And yet again, another promise broke, this time helping me realize that my dad wasn’t ready to be in a healthy, nonabusive (verbally) relationship with me.
My once very bubbly, energetic personality was gone and it was hidden in the highest mountains possible, and this dark, always sleepy persona took over. I was eighteen and felt like there was no reason for life. When I went back home for winter break, I told my mom I wasn’t ready for college, something I was sure of since I was ten years old. I kept telling her that I could move back home and get a job somewhere, she thought it was her daughter being homesick. I honestly didn’t know what to think. I went back to school and tried my hardest to hide the new dark, silk cloud that washed over me and trying my best to bring my old self back.
Within weeks, I stopped sleeping, my energy was through the roof and while normally it was difficult to keep up with me, now it was nearly impossible. I became obsessed with cleaning my dorm room floor with a toothbrush and soap. I wanted everything to be clean and would wash my clothes once a week, in case any dust got on them. It was always a great way to manage my energy, I couldn’t stand still and watch tv, and while running was a new past time, I needed more to do.
I all of a sudden I had this unlimited energy as if it was being poured down my throat and also being battery powered at the same time. A few months later, I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder. My sleep was still erratic and while I resembled more of an energetic, high on sugar five years old, my mom wasn’t convinced when they told her all the medication that would supposedly keep me stable.
While she did fight it at first, after a week or so of this hypomania persona, she gave in. I won’t get too deep into this but the next six years consisted of long episodes of mania with psychotic episodes and very small period of depression thrown into the mix. The stability they talked about never stuck, I proceeded to try every option out there. My mom went back to the no medication, gut feeling she had since day one and found a holistic doctor. A doctor who was able to explain that stability was a thing, normal didn’t exist and I needed to find a way to understand, forgive and accept my illness in order to finally balance within it. She explained that my illness was a gift and with time I would find a way to have it work with me instead of against me. This type of thinking changed my life forever.
While it wasn’t an easy road, I was able to use food as a way to manage my hormonal imbalance and there for balance out my moods, anxieties, blues and to an extent mania. I still had a tough time turning off my mind and telling it to slow down. My energy wasn’t as high as it was when I was manic, but it was still very present.
I wanted to find a way to silence my mind, enough to let me write without having a billion and one thoughts, being able to multitask without anxiety, and basically getting a thrill when I had a lot to do. All things that when I was younger and not medicated or diagnosed I could do. High-intensity workouts are great to help my mind calm down and slow down, it helps with my sleep and when I get irritable. It is a great way for me to release steam.
I wanted a mind like before, one that was still energetic, and all over the place but within a certain range. I found the answer in the weirdest place possible. I found the answer with weed. I had been reading that CBD had those health benefits without the psychoactive aspect THC has but I was still very scared, mostly because of the addictive personality I tend to have. I did my research and talked to my doctor about it and with her blessing, I entered the journey. The journey to something new.
I FOUND THE PERFECT BALANCE BETWEEN EUPHORIA AND SILENCE
It was an incredible feeling, one that I never knew I could achieve. One that if I could I would be on forever. I mean the through the roof, over the top energy is great when cleaning or cooking, working out, on a hike, but when I want to sit down and write or when I want to organize and read. If I want to work on the blog sometimes it was, too much. I wanted a way to get the best of both worlds, and I have. I found a way to quiet my mind, enough to get deep into an article, enough to read and not have a million other thoughts, enough where I didn’t need to do something else in order to stay still and watch tv. I did. I found that if you smoke high CDB stands and lower THC you get the perfect mood stabilizing balance that the medication sort of gave me without the side effect of numbing me and keeping me still like a robot. The inner reel of thoughts and anxious obsessions started to die down. It was great. It helped me grow in such a way and also incorporate into my healthy eating vibes to keep my bipolar balanced. It made a vow, that I wasn’t going to use weed as a way to numb myself but rather as a way to keep me feeling great.
The mental aspect of smoking weed has been great and while I find it hard for people to believe that using cannabis helped me with my mental illness, it did. I wanted to share this with all of you so you understand my reasoning and also understand that my mental health is always my first priority and also finding new ways, all natural ways to find a balance between my mind is incredible, and the journey continues and will forever go on, because recovery and stability doesn’t stop, it continues, because our minds are forever evolving.