I’ve been pretty vocal about my relationship with disordered eating before and sometimes I want to dive in deeper and share a little more and honestly I wasn’t really ready to before.
Then I received an email a few weeks ago from a reader asking me if I was recovered.
I don’t think you can ever be recovered. That’s just how I see it.
I mean, this is my perspective on the issue, we all have our own ways of thinking and the reason I say I don’t think we ever recover is because it is constant care.
I’ve always loved food and cooking but when I was younger different life situations put a negative light on food.
I don’t like to point fingers because we ultimately make our own decisions, but my relationship with my father didn’t make things easier. He was very critical of me and even though I wasn’t ever overweight, he did like to make my weight a very troubling issue for me.
It started at a very young age I was probably eight when he started making comments, maybe even before.
My parents were divorced but my brother and me did visit him before when we were kids and he always made a comment about how I wasn’t happy or didn’t have friends because of my weight. Honestly we had just moved to Panama from Miami and the move on its own wasn’t the best, now looking back I am so beyond grateful we moved to Panama.
I was 14, it’s a tough age.
You want to fit in and would expect that whatever it is your parents say must be true.
My mom never made any comments regarding my weight in a negative way but my father did. Then the combination of that and my undiagnosed illness created something very dangerous. I would punish myself by restricting food.
I think that’s why it took people so long to catch on, because I loved to cook and was always experimenting with a new recipe. Deep down, I wouldn’t let myself eat, it was a form of holding some sort of control over my life.
Then also I kept thinking my dad one day would tell me how I was pretty or how he was proud of me. I connected that with my weight.
It took over and this is something I still struggle with.
I gained a lot of weight when I started taking all the medication for my manic depressive illness and didn’t notice all time, I was in and out of mania so much, I couldn’t notice.
Then when I did I would try to restrict. It was very unhealthy pattern.
I wish I could say when I was off the meds it stopped, it didn’t. I took healthy eating to unhealthy obsession, first I was told that because of my liver i need to stay away from certain foods so I did. Then I thought well since I’m already gluten free, and dairy free, and don’t eat red meat why don’t I go vegan. Before I knew it, my unhealthy eating was back and I was so deep into a this hole it took me a while to realize what was going on.
I finally started seeing a holistic nutritionist in January 2015 and that was when I was finally able to start making amends with food and my body.
I learned that food isn’t bad or good.
Which really helps me a lot, I don’t put an emotion to food.
Like sometimes you hear, chocolate is bad, or nut butters are bad.
How are they bad? What did they do to be bad? They don’t walk or hit you. SO how can they be bad?
I think when I finally understood that, it made me realize so much more and I laugh.
it’s fine. It’s great actually.
I started to tell myself that I was beautiful.
At first it was hard, to look at myself in the mirror and say it and really mean it. Not just repeat the words. Really truly believe them. I do think I’m beautiful and saying that has helped me in more ways that I could ever tell you.
I finally feel comfortable with myself, I finally believe I am pretty. While I still have a hard time posting pictures on the blog of myself its more because I’m still very critical.
That hasn’t changed, but it goes to place that is far more than just my looks, I’m the same way with food, I won’t post a recipe unless it is perfect.
A few years ago I was having some friends over to eat and I was in charge of dessert and I was attempting to make vegan lemon bars. Let’s just say they didn’t end up how I thought they would. I was so upset, I mean you would of thought my blender broke something.
Honestly I’m still working on that critical part of myself.
I can’t say that everything is perfect. It isn’t.
I still am working on myself, even though I am still working on me, I’m not ashamed.
I’m proud of myself.
I’m proud of where I am.
I’m human, there’s nothing perfect about me.
I’m constantly growing and I can say that food and me stand in a much better place not and I don’t judge myself. I eat butter, I love having avocados every day and have embraced healthy fats, dark chocolate and more.