Bipolar Living: Fall 2018 + A Little Monday Motivation
Today I’m sharing with you guys what I’ve been up to this fall and also what keeps me motivated. I honestly cannot believe fall is coming to an end and winter is sneaking up. YES, my first winter in Colorado. I am still in awe that I live here! Thank you, universe; I have been living it up to the fullest during my favorite time of the year.
Colorado kills it with the weather! We have sun 95% of the time and I still get to get kissed with cool, crisp mountain air. It makes me want to constantly be outside, walking through the city, crunching over fallen leaves and drinking copious amounts of my feel amazing hot chocolate.
As for the girls trip update you’ve been wondering about, babes we had a truly amazing time. Steamboat Springs was everything and more! Not only did I get the mountain-time I was craving, but it was also great being able to see my girls.
The drive there was beautiful, and we made a few stops (in Frisco and a few other spots) to take spontaneous hikes. After a long day of exploring, we headed over to Strawberry Hot Springs as a way to unwind. Okay, so first of all at night, the suits are lost and my free spirit self-ran proud. Yes, your girl ditched her suit and relaxed in the mineral-infused water. So, us being us, we took full advantage of the night and we got our hands on Chem Dawg – a hybrid coming from Sour Diesel and OG Kush. This was perfect strain for an end of night reflection while hanging in the springs. My tense self-melted away and what was left was this version of me that I missed desperately –the one that really comes out when my phone is tucked away and I am just there, in the present.
That doesn’t in any way mean that I am someone else the rest of the time. It just means that like you all, I have to think about other things – like work, time management (which literally always feels like there isn’t enough time in a day) and well, life. So when I escaped with my friends to the mountains, I actually unplugged and relaxed. The pictures I take are spur of the moment, and just me being a goofy kid. Yes, I said kid. We should all have an inner child whom we let roam free from time to time.
The next few days pretty much consisted of lots of hikes around the area, enjoying the beauty Colorado has to offer with tons of laughter. We ended up doing a night hike on Halloween, which literally was the best way to spend such a spooky holiday.
After the girls went back home to Miami, my creative beast started roaring. I literally had so many ideas flying around and wanted to execute them all right then and there. Oh yeah, my manic side was picking up speed –then I hit a creative wall (in the best way possible). Snow appeared, and along with it a sense of calm took over. Again, I am reminded why moving to Colorado was meant to be.
November pretty much flew by. I felt this immense inner growth happening – then suddenly, my inner critical voice took over. The lovely pink lens I had focused on life took on a greyish hue, and I began second guessing everything I was doing. Yes, I still have days when I wonder what on earth I’m doing and then I remember why this all started and I know there’s a bigger reason for it all. I just have let go of the crappy mindset, and let myself breathe in.
I never shared this with you guys, the real reason I started this entire journey. Yes, I wanted to be there for others dealing with bipolar life, and offer them the type of support I craved for so long…. but there is also another (slightly) selfish reason.
Motivation in the form of a promise.
You see. I made a promise to someone. I have to keep it. Then I made that promise again to someone else. This time a little bit closer to home.
The first promise was made almost five years ago. I had been manic for a few months, and not only was I manic, but I was also deep into a psychotic state. My last desperate attempt was taking an antipsychotic extended release shot. It was from the same family of the antipsychotic I was already on, with the difference being this was a month-long dosage, given in one quick injection… No daily pills needed, the only problem was that for 3% of the population, the drug is not effective. My doctor told my mom the chances of this were small, but she did need to share that with her. Sadly, I was in the magic 3%, and the happy ending everyone hoped for wasn’t to be. Instead of quieting the demons, my psychotic mind was gaining speed, with the only solution being hospitalization. My mom was dreading that and was trying to do everything in her power to keep me out of the hospital.
So, the Hail Mary pass was thrown, and momma bear found a psychiatrist who (in her own crazy mind) thought she could get me off my medication, and keep me balanced with the help of proper nutrition, supplements (including cannabis) and more. The happy ending we had dreamed of (but didn’t think was possible) became a reality. We demolished my psychosis and took the mania to a manageable, livable level. When sanity set in, I promised the girl that died years earlier that I would share my story in the hopes of preventing more lives ending tragically.
You see years before this life-altering event, I tried to take my own life. That wasn’t the first or the last time it happened. The only thing that stuck from that specific time was that someone else did not have the same path I did. Someone else was actually floating. When I tried taking my own life that time, I took enough medication to keep 30 patients medicated for 30 days. No, I’m not exaggerating! This happened and it is still hard to talk about. This isn’t a “pity me” story. This is the story of what keeps me going on those days when I let the dark clouds swirl around me, instead of dusting them away.
Anyways. After my overdose, I ended up in a coma and my doctor told my mom that she didn’t see me returning to a conscious state. The doc told mom that she had a patient who didn’t even take half of what I did, and she had been in a coma for 5 years. Her parents had flown her everywhere in search of answers, and no one had been able to help. The doc didn’t see the same future for me. She said she saw no future. Yet here I am!
There is no scientific or medical explanation for why I am sitting here typing away, yet here I am. When I was brought out of that mania induced high almost five years ago, I made a promise to the girl who didn’t share the same destiny I was blessed with. I promised her that I would create a safe space where our community could gain support and encouragement, and not just survive- but actually, thrive. That right there keeps me going.
Earlier this year, I wrote about a death that shook me and reminded me just how lucky I had been years prior and how important my message was. It came to me in the most unexpected and heartbreaking way. My best friend from high school took her life. That was when I made the second promise.
So when I don’t feel like doing something, or doing anything, I remember those two promises and remind myself that this gray cloudy moment will pass and soon things will be rosy pink again.
I share this with you all because life is beautiful and while we can always focus on the negative things, we really must focus our energy on finding beauty in the dark mess. It’s not always there, or easy to see, but I do promise it is there….and so am I. I am here, standing next to you, reminding you, you CAN do this.
YOU can do this.
Alright, my beautiful friends, I hope this little story helps you all with motivation on days when you aren’t feeling your best. I hope something great happens to all of you today. Have a magical afternoon!
Lots of love,