THE INSIDE PEAK INTO MY BIPOLAR BRAIN: CONSTANT MOVING
Even though I am do consider myself balanced and in a place on semi control on my mood there still very much is the chatter and fast-paced mind that doesn’t seem to slow down. While at first I did want my mind to quiet and some days I could deal without the constant voices, I am grateful for them. I feel like I am my own person and I truly feel this sense of pride of being able to be part of a community that totally understands this side of me. Not only that but then I also get this new perspective that not everyone else sees.
It’s still hard.
I still have like ten voices in my head giving me their opinion at once.
I want to buy this plate.
But do you really need it?
Is this your ego or your heart?
Why, because that one blogger has one?
Really, that one, why don’t you get that other one.?
I met this guy and he’s really hot, I sorta wanna have sex on the first date- I tell my friend.
The voices answer before my friend can even process what I just said.
Is this really you thinking or are you getting manic?
Shit, I’m too old for this.
I know if I have sex with him I don’t wanna see him again.
Is he gonna think I’m a slut?
Shit will she think I am a slut because I said this out loud.
You are an independent woman and can do whatever the hell you please.
Aren’t you always saying men and women are equals?
You can do whatever you want, no one owns you.
Really you honestly think you can do whatever you want.
You don’t know him.
The list goes on and on.
I STILL GO FROM ONE EXTREME TO THE OTHER AS IN POLAR.
I would be lying if I said I still didn’t have a hard time staying in the middle. I talk about it often how much the importance of balance means to me and how it has more to do with yourself and in life in general than just having a balanced active lifestyle. I don’t half ass anything, I either jump or hide. I am not a meet you in the middle girl. I have learned that while my manic depressive side reals this part of me in, it is still very much personality. When I say I won’t meet you in the middle-my ego is very much talking.
While I am working on letting my ego-free and trusting in the universe my extremist sides does come out to play.
I am either all of the way in or fuck this I’m out. I can be very black and white at times and somehow expect the world to think in color. It is my way or my way. These are all personality based and my manic side does feed them.
I STILL HAVE ANXIOUS THOUGHTS
I still overanalyze everything and get anxious. That doesn’t mean I am having an episode or that I cannot handle my life it means that I am human and still very much a special breed of polar opposites. The unknown scares the shit out of me, I don’t like losing control and letting someone else in on the action, isn’t easy. Which is why I think the best exercise of my life is letting the universe take the reigns.
SOMETIMES I MISS HYPOMANIA
This thought scares me sometimes. I feel like by admitting this I’m calling hypomania or mania and the truth is I’m not. But if I’m honest there is this weird appeal that mania has and it has more to do with me being able to act on my impulses and not worry about the outcome. The reality is while at the moment I might not worry and think there aren’t consequences to my actions, there very much are and I will end up dealing with them sooner or later. So it isn’t that I miss mania it is more that I can accept that I did certain things while I was manic that I wouldn’t accept now.
The truth is a lot of those actions I still think them.
Why isn’t that sex has to mean something. Why can two people just fuck and leave it at that, why do we have to go and slut-shame both men and women for acting on their pure primal instinct?
Why is it that if people don’t understand your point of view, somehow you are wrong.? Manic Andrea spoke her mind and didn’t carry on to see what ended up happening. While this does have its appeal it is also equally dangerous, and very hurtful to others.