DEAR FRIENDS, YES I AM BIPOLAR BUT I’M SO MUCH MORE
When I was first diagnosed I didn’t really understand my illness and the truthfully I didn’t want to understand, so because I didn’t really know what was going on I was very open about my diagnose with bipolar disorder. I didn’t hide the fact that I was bipolar, I mean while I wasn’t 100% truthful but I wasn’t hiding my diagnose either. I wasn’t ashamed, I thought it made me different in a cool way. That all stopped after I went back to school and reality hit me.
You see when I was first diagnosed I had medically withdrawn from school and was back home getting the proper help I needed. Well at least that is what was supposed to happen, the truth is I wasn’t in a place where I was ready to receive any help, so I basically ignored everything the doctors told me and manipulated my way back to school.
When I went back to school I was living with three of my sorority sisters and while they were very much aware of my illness, I didn’t really explain that importance of my medication. Mainly because I thought the less they knew, the less they would question. I’ve always been less is more type of person mainly because then you can’t question why I do what I do.
So while my freshman year everyone was down to party and go out drinking, and hook up with guys after my diagnose I felt a little judgment on my actions from my so-called friends. They would assume that the reason I was acting this way was that I was bipolar and that really started to bother me. I mean I didn’t blame their actions on something, I just sort of accepted them for who they were. While a lot of my decisions were blinded by my speeding mania, a lot of what I did was always just me pushing away anything that is considered unacceptable in eyes of society.
I’ve always questioned why it is okay for men to do one thing and not okay for women, or why some people feel the need to place judgment on things they didn’t understand. My outlook on life has always been a bit more open-minded and do whatever the hell makes you happen. Yes, the mania definitely pushed those feelings out more bluntly but it was still me.
The problem was once things started to go downhill everyone would always assume that the reason behind my strange behavior was because I was BIPOLAR. Oh and I probably got asked the following questions at least ten times a day:
Did you do this because you’re bipolar?
Or did you forget to take your medication?
Do you need to talk to someone?
That really bothered me, I didn’t understand why they had to bring that up. I mean what did I being bipolar have anything to do with anything else. Then it was when I was home if I cried, or I laughed too much or was a bit more bubbly than normal, my mom would jump into deer in the headlights and start freaking out and question everything. Once again, I wasn’t me, I was my illness.
I felt like I was no longer Andrea and only someone who suffered from bipolar disorder. I lost my identity.
I stopped wanting to share this side of me with people because they treated me different and also because I felt like they wouldn’t care about me or look at me the same as they did prior to. I felt like I was instantly outcasted and didn’t understand why. If I’m all honest and shit, the truth is, I was scared of being vulnerable and admitting I was scared people wouldn’t love me or want me or accept me for me.
I’ve always been a bit different so there was just a lot going on in my head.
The thing is I am loveable. and so are YOU.
To the people out there who think I am different. It turns out I am but I am also one of the most loyal, truthful and loving people out there. I do thank my diagnosis for a lot of this, it has helped me see things in a different light also love me for me and this beautiful community I was blessed to be a part of.
Remember we go from one extreme to the other, and we also feel these extremes way more than the average nonpolar human out there. * Oh and for those of you out there, I talk about polar opposites and how we all have them so I definitely identify more with being manic depressive than bipolar.
I don’t judge. You see I did all of the questionable things when I was manic so chances are whatever it is you are doing isn’t really worst. I’m an extremist so that probably crossed my mind at some point, and truth be told, I have no place to judge.
I’m really fucking understanding. HELLO. My life consisted of doctors pretty much telling me what to do, what to eat, and so on. WHY? Well, I was told, you cannot watch this and do that because this can happen. So whatever is going with you I get it.
I also see much more color in the world than you do. You see, I went down the Alice in Wonderland dark hole where I went through weird as fuck hallucinations to wanting to jump out that window because I thought I could fly to I want to jump out the window because I wanna kill myself. I’ve experienced so much, I see everything in life from the beautiful to the broken.
My creative energy. is everything and more. I love to cook, when I cook I get lost in ingredients, aromas, and flavors. It’s my favorite thing in the world.