Funny enough when I first started writing this post, I was going to share why I was thinking of retransitioning to a more plant-based lifestyle and then I started writing and everything that has been haunting me since April. Just spilled out.
I feel like maybe I needed to say it all.
To feel better, to help me heal and most of all to help someone out there.
Yesterday I went on Instagram Stories and basically started talking to myself and well all of you and I sort of just spilled some of the things that have taken up negative space in my mind + life.
BUT I didn’t share why.
My mood has been all over the place the last month or so. I thought it was just everything with my grandpa but it turns out there is WAY more to the story.
Mainly because I still haven’t talked about something that happened last year and while I didn’t think it was affecting my everyday life, it turns out it is.
I’m scared shit less of my grandpa leaving in June and staying alone here in New Mexico, and while my mom is in Colorado, I am still not okay with it.
I’m having a hard time sleeping, I’m anxious, overwhelmed and uninspired. I’ve been having problems feeling motivated and doing more than what I NEED to do. Does that make sense.? The same thing happened around October and then I was back to “normal”. My mind is basically consumed with what is coming next, what I need to do now and basically the fear of the unknown. Something that isn’t okay with me. There was this empty feeling in the pit of my stomach that filled the rest of it with fear. Until my mom told me something that sort of inspired something in me.
Let’s go back a bit you so kind of understand and what is going on.
Last year in April something traumatic happened and I have yet to talk about it. Partly because I was scared to say it out loud, partly because I’m ashamed and also because well I didn’t really know how to…
type it. or say it. or basically, accept it.
I guess there isn’t really a way to really sugar coat this or make it less than what it is.
I was raped.
I also was scared of what people would say, or how they would react. Or just that I’m sorry, pity you look people sometimes can give you.
Not something I want.
How did I deal with it all… Honestly, I started to hide out, emotionally and physically. I stopped doing everything I enjoyed.
I withdrew from myself and was scared to sleep alone, yet I flinched when people touched me or got too close. I felt dirty, and just like my life was stolen out of my hands. If that makes any sense. I felt robbed and dirty. I would take extremly how showers and use up a bar of soap in two days.
My mom moved in with me for about a month or so to help me cope. I wanted to get rid of everything that could tie me to that event. I got rid of everything and started to fill my new apartment with new found passions. Crystals.
It sparked a new connection between mind, body, and spirit and also I found out just how strong I was after all of this. My mom flew into town immediately think next day and in the matter of less than a week, I was in a new place, and apart from my couch and blender and my cat’s litter box, I replaced everything to feel like I had ditched anything that connected me to that day. I got new sheets, towels, my crystal collection started, and I was trying to find a way to just get back to the old me.
My brother stayed with me during the summer, I was scared to be alone, and my mom didn’t leave until he was already in town. Then before my brother went back to school my mom came back and my grandpa moved in with me. I didn’t want to be alone, I couldn’t. My mom slept with me until she left and my brother took her place after. By the time my grandpa moved in I could sleep alone but the thought of living alone still wasn’t on my radar.
I was still scared to do the things I loved and the silence wasn’t something I was comfortable with. I had to have the TV on to fall asleep, still, do, and I still wasn’t comfortable going on morning and afternoon walks like I had before what happened.
When we took a spontaneous trip to Denver before my brother left back to school that was the first time I was able to breathe more freely. I ran for the first time in five months and I fell in love with life again. It was hard to finally get to that point but it was an incredible feeling.
Before I left I vowed that I would move to Denver the following year in the summer. As time went on, and the closer we got to the end of the year, I started to freak out and think that what I wanted was going to happen.
I also didn’t want to move and continue to work part-time anymore, I wanted to blog for a living and continue to share my story to inspire people to be okay with themselves and to live a healthier more balanced and passionate life.
When Thanksgiving came around I realized that it was going to happen when it was meant to and it would all work out. WHY.? Well, cause the universe is on my side and also has taught me over time that everything he has put me through is for a reason and to ensure me that I am enough and capable of following my dreams.
So when everything happened with my grandpa and his dementia and everything else that has immersed from that, it sort of shook up my plan. I was overwhelmed but truth be told, I was scared. The plan I had, was being basically torn up and I had to find a way to make a new one.
Until I talked to my mom and she told me that if moving to Colorado and being close to her would be easier for me than maybe that was something I needed to do. At first, I was kind of angry and offended, I mean did she not think I could do it, did she really think I needed to live near her to be okay.? And that wasn’t the plan, the plan wasn’t to move and work part time again but to move and be a blogger for a living and right now I wasn’t anywhere near that. My Instagram following is still way too small, the blog’s traffic isn’t where I want it to be.
YES. I am basically writing all of my fears and things that keep me up at night on here, because if I cannot be honest with all of you then I can’t be honest with anyone.
But then I talked to a really good friend after my talk with my mom and I realized that nothing in my life has happened as planned yet they are all things I have wanted. They all happen they just don’t follow the movie I play in my head.
POINT of all of this is. One. I need to learn to just trust and not just say it but actually really believe and two I need to do things that make me happy and three, the universe will continue to work in mysterious ways.
Oh and I shouldn’t be ashamed of the experiences I have had, rather be okay with sharing them with all of you, so that if someone out there feels the same scary feeling I do, then maybe all of this is worth it because I can help someone out there feel better. Or at least feel like they aren’t alone.
and I can do this.
You can too.
Love you a lot, thank you for letting me have this space to write my heart out and also help me heal. Thank you. I am so grateful for this platform adn everything you inspire me to do and how you have helped me grown.